"Payday came and with it beer." - Rudyard Kipling

Happy weekend!

FG Clip

This one goes out to my wife...



Don't we all wish this would happen??? It'd make the show infinitely more interesting.

Now that is a tasty burger

Good lord, that is a big sandwich.

Despite having McDonald’s and Wendy’s dropping their “Supersize” and “Biggie” menus amid a flood of negative publicity after Morgan Spurloch's documentary “Super Size Me” came out, you can still hunker down with Denny’s Megabreakfasts, Hardee’s Thickburgers (pictured), Ruby Tuesday’s Colossal burger, BK's Triple Whooper, Chipotle's 1 1/4-pound burrito (or in some parts of the country: La Bamba's burritos as big as your head.)

This NY Times article talks about T.G.I. Friday’s experimenting with a new "right sizing" approach. Smaller portions so people don't have the opportunity to overeat. But will consumers just be the greedy-American-capitalist-pigs that we are and go to places where they get "more for their money"?

Challenge and Sacrifice

Motivational posters for Friday...

Challenge: "When life presents a challenge...take your shot."


Sacrifice: "After a night of too much alcohol and spirits. Thou must kneel, embrace thy throne and sacrifice to the porcelain god."


Have a great weekend!!!

Body of music

Here's a little something something for the music lovers and hottie appreciators alike: A couple of beautiful bodies of music for all to enjoy...

The True King

Hats off to Elvis and all, but Mr. JS Bach really is the king.

His music is, for many, far and away the greatest achievement of anyone working in music, past or present. Next to JSB, all of the other big names - Handel, Mozart, Beethoven, etc. are at best mere "also rans".

Today, musicians around the world genuflect to the genius that is J.S. Bach, as we celebrate the King's birthday.

Long live the king!!!

DBs on the loose

Being a douchebag isn't merely about appearance...though it has a lot to do with it. Notice in the picture below: the upturned collar, the angled hat, the smirking facial expression. $10 says he's wearing a gold chain under that pink shirt and only seconds away from flashing a gansta hand signal or the ever popular "shocker" sign. No, true douchebaggery comes from within. It is
"Where machismo mixes with testosterone to form a foul cocktail of rank sewage that smells vaguely of cheap cologne."

I say this now because I've stumbled upon a website that explores the phenomenon of douchebags and their unexplainable power to attract hotness. I speak of none other than hotchickswithdouchebags.com. This site not only outs the douchebags, but supplies commentary that is second to none in uncovering the subtle depths of the subject. Sometimes the narrator comments at great length on the douchitude of the offending party, touching on every detail from the amount of bling to the frosted hair highlights. Other times, he lets the photo do all the work...as shown in this example taken directly from the web site:

"Like a fine oak barrel aged Bourdeaux, Donkey Douche and his delicate captive fawn just keep getting better with age.

Really, there's not much else your humble narrator can add to this pic, so I will simply step aside, and let you stare at the genius..."

For anyone who has encountered these meatheads out in public, or simply smelled their bodyspray from the next room, and lamented that they are getting away with it, this site is for you. Enjoy.

Target Practice

Not being of Irish descent, I can't really promote this bit of non-political correctness...but as S. pointed out to me: isn't everyone Irish this time of year? And afterall, who doesn't like St. Patrick's Day, beer and pee jokes?

Try this new game just in time for St. Patty's day.

"The night is young. You've got 10 full beers, and your aim is true. This level should be as easy as my sister Sinead."

And so begins the game where you hike up your kilt and take aim at the spirited leprechauns. Be careful, though, you lose points for splashing the customers at the bar.

Three drink minimum

Today's reason for having a drink: it is Pi day, so have 3.14 drinks in celebration. Perhaps I'll go with the popular trifecta of one bourbon, one scotch and one beer...and a little extra of each to make up the .14.












This is hearsay but...Humphrey Bogart proclaimed in 1950. “If everyone in the world would take three drinks, we would have no trouble. If Stalin, Truman and everybody else in the world had three drinks right now, we’d all loosen up and we wouldn’t need the United Nations."

Plus think of all the doctors who would have more work treating liver disease! If only everyone were as enlightened as Bogey.

Answering her questions

Seminar: Understanding Your Partner

Today’s topic: How to answer her questions.

It is Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of the television, just about to watch all your favorite TV programs that you've recorded over the last few weeks. Opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says, "What exactly do you think you're doing?"

Is this a trick question or what?

Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest home improvement centre, where you will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide the type of curtain rod that's right for you.

How does this work?

It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no right answer. Here's a common example.

Do I look fat?

There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes." "No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather go to the dentist than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say "no," clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other options are worse.

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

Consult this handy chart:

JUST SAY NO

• Is there someone else?
• Do you still fantasize about her?
• Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES

• Do you still love me?
• Do you ever fantasize about me?
• Do you like my hair this way?

Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:

Which shoes look better?

Typically you're already late for dinner when your girlfriend confronts you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of choice that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, "Whichever, you old trout!" If you pick the shoes she already has on, she'll think you're trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she'll think it's because you know you can't pick the ones she has on. Some men try a nonlinear approach and opt for a third, unoffered pair of shoes, but this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgment or an opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another dress. You might as well say, "You're fat."

This raises the question of why she's asking you at all. She knows you don't know which shoes look better, and she knows you don't care, so why is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. As part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult you about alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a disdainful and dismissive "beats me" should do the trick, but don't try that with the shoe dilemma, or you'll miss your reservation. Instead, suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better after all.

Where do you see this relationship going?

This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or "upstairs" or "I dunno." Another problem is that you and your girlfriend are operating at cross purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves, i.e., Questions that should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation.

Her: Where do you see this relationship going?
You: Where do you see this relationship going?

Her: Do you think she's attractive?
You: Who?

Her: Will you marry me?
You: Where am I?

Her: What if I were pregnant?
You: Are you pregnant?
Her: Why? Do I look fat?

Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that coming. Try a more surreal approach:

Her: What if I were pregnant?
You: What if we were pregnant? .... (Cool, huh?)

Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love got to do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is not one of these.)

Let's try a math question. How many people have you slept with? Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more than 12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less expecting. Like most arithmetic problems, the answer is a lot easier once you have a formula. This one should work as long as neither of you has sex for a living.

Number of people she's slept with
+ Number of people she knows you've slept with
+ Number of people you actually have slept with.

Add these up and divide by 2. If you round up to the nearest whole person, you should end up with a realistically healthy but not particularly shocking number. If the result is greater than 12, then say 12.

Why don't you lighten up?

This rhetorical gem is used whenever you express your disapproval of shoplifting or speeding, or whenever you go to a nightclub and spend the whole time dancing to some unbelievable crap you've never heard and then go out and buy it! There is no good answer to this question. You could draw attention to her inconsistency in this matter, noting that she doesn't like it when you act like a kid or when you act like your dad (God forbid); then again, if you do that, she's liable to see your point and break up with you. Speaking of breaking up, how about this one?

Are you saying you want to end it?

Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is, when a woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even if you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question back on her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be. If you are trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the whole painful process again. If you aren't trying to break up with her, then it's best to change the subject. Let's try something easier.

Notice anything different about me?

Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others: "Have you forgotten what today is?" and "Have you been listening to a word I've said?" Apart from being questions that are easier to answer wrong than right, they're the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They are best treated in an ironic postmodern context, i.e., just say what Ward Cleaver would say.

Her: Notice anything different about me?
You: New apron? ... (Ouch!)

Her: Have you forgotten what today is?
You: Of course not. It's Thursday.

Her: Have you been listening to a word I've said?
You: That's nice, dear...

Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better questions. Questions such as:

Have you taken a look at yourself lately? This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do you think you are?" are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You're not really supposed to answer either of these questions. You're just supposed to apologize for your wanton self-esteem-having. Instead of apologizing, just smile. Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a kind of revenge all by themselves. Next!

Do you believe in fidelity?

Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue, this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:

YOU SAY - Yes
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - He's hiding something.

YOU SAY - It depends.
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - I knew it!

YOU SAY - Why do you ask
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - Bastard!

YOU SAY - I dunno. Do you?
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - How much does he know?

There are several more variations, but they're not worth going into. By the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep trouble. It doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't blush when you answer.

Let's look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying.

What are you looking at?

She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?" And you thought you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you've found somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught off guard, their ability to deceive is impaired.

Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked, "What are you looking at?"

• Too specific: The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of that mailbox on the northwest corner."
• Not specific enough: "That thing."
• Too good to be true: "A diamond necklace in that window back there that would be perfect on you."
• Too true to be good: "A see through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you."
• Too obvious: "Nothing."
• Way too obvious: "That blonde babe over there with the big...I mean nothing."

Here's one that requires a little interpretation.

What are we going to do now?

This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the mysterious "we" in the middle. This means two things: In one sense, "we" clearly means "you," as in, "What are you going to do now," but there is also a sense of "we're in this together," implying that you bear equal responsibility for the fact that she's just dropped her keys down a grate, or that she stores her jack and spare tire in her garage so they won't get stolen.

In such situations you'll probably find that the only answer to "What are we going to do now?" that you can think of is "We are going to break up. Goodbye." Most likely you'll decide not to say anything. After which she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised:

Why don't you say something?

Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, cower behind your Fifth Amendment rights, pretend you didn't hear, run away, whatever, but don't say anything when she asks:

Should I get all of my hair cut off?

If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:

Does it make me look fat!!?

.....You're on your own.....

Can we all just get along?...Sure, just laugh.

Interesting piece on humor from NY Times article today:

So there are these two muffins baking in an oven. One of them yells, “Wow, it’s hot in here!” And the other muffin replies: “Holy cow! A talking muffin!”

Did that alleged joke make you laugh? I would guess (and hope) not. But under different circumstances, you would be chuckling softly, maybe giggling, possibly guffawing. I know that’s hard to believe, but trust me. The results are just in on a laboratory test of the muffin joke.

Laughter, a topic that stymied philosophers for 2,000 years, is finally yielding to science. Researchers have scanned brains and tickled babies, chimpanzees and rats. They’ve traced the evolution of laughter back to what looks like the primal joke — or, to be precise, the first stand-up routine to kill with an audience of primates.

It wasn’t any funnier than the muffin joke, but that’s not surprising, at least not to the researchers. They’ve discovered something that eluded Plato, Aristotle, Hobbes, Kant, Schopenhauer, Freud and the many theorists who have tried to explain laughter based on the mistaken premise that they’re explaining humor.

Occasionally we’re surprised into laughing at something funny, but most laughter has little to do with humor. It’s an instinctual survival tool for social animals, not an intellectual response to wit. It’s not about getting the joke. It’s about getting along.

(Go to the article linked above for more.)

Hold your tongue

Hold your tongue and say: I was born on a pirate ship.

My favorite tongue twisters:

The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.

Seventy seven benevolent elephants.

Plymouth sleuths thwart Luther's slithering.

Red Buick, Blue Buick.

I'm not the fig plucker, nor the fig plucker's son. But I'll pluck your figs till the fig plucker comes.

Quick IQ Test

I don't think I'll be getting any calls from Mensa, but that's ok. I'm happy with this score.

Chili cook-off

I've entered a chili cook-off at work which will take place this Thursday. I was thinking that it would be a small affair, no big deal...well, the organizers just made it a big deal. They invited none other than Chef Michael Symon (of Lolita's and Lola's Bistro here in Cleveland) to be the celebrity guest judge. Holy jamoly. That's big time.

I'm going to enter a white bean-chicken chili...hoping that it will differentiate me from the regular ol' beef chili that most everyone else will be bringing.

Below is one of my favorite short essays...

Chili Judge

Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled—it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma?

Press 3, 4, 5, and 6

Random celebration of the day: March 5th is Multiple Personalities Day.
(Who knew there was a day devoted to women's personalities.)

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

It's the Weekend!!!

Get down! Get down! (Click on picture to watch her get down!)