A Biscuit of Many Parts

T or D

2008-05-21T08:58:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I decided to wuss out on my first T or D and chose a Truth...

Truth: Have you ever had sex with more than 1 person in a 24 hour time period (not at the same time so we're not talking about threesomes/orgies/whatever)? If so, how long ago? What prompted it?

I have…This would be in college (undergrad)...so we're talking about 12 years ago or there abouts. I was dating one girl – we’ll call her Ellen for anonymity purposes – Ellen was a real stunner, a beautiful woman with dark curly hair and a playful yet quirky sense of humor. We had one of those on again off again type of relationships that were so common for me in college. On this particular occasion, we were going through one of our "semi-on" periods and she stopped by my house one evening just to say hi. Being the wily devil that I am, I seduced her and we had sex on my roommate's waterbed...for several hours. Fortunately for us, the roommate was out of town.

Fast forward to the next day when another young lady, a very sexy, petite Asian who happened to be my ex-girlfriend – we’ll call her Amy, came by to confess she still had feelings for me. Quick aside: I definitely had a streak there in college where I dated primarily Asian girls. And they were mostly Korean girls as I recall. In any case, after her confession and my inability to resist a girl coming on to me, one thing lead to another and we had sex...on the same waterbed in fact.

Don't worry, I washed the sheets before the roomy got back into town. I ended up cutting things off with Ellen and dating Amy again. Looking back, I kind of wish I had gone the other way with that decision. I think I would have been happier with Ellen at that point. But things happen for a reason.

And besides, who can blame me for my Korean girl phase, right?

TMI Tuesday

2008-05-20T10:41:00.003-04:00

I'm in a meme kind of mood these days...

1. How many credit cards do you own? Are they paid off?

I have two currently…one for business and one for personal use. The business one is always paid off, the personal one will be paid off once I get my “economic stimulus” check.

2. Can you be in love with someone you don't trust?

I think that you can be in love with a person you don’t trust, but having a relationship with them would be difficult. Sometimes it is just better to love such a person from afar.

3. Should prostitution be legal?

Part of me (the horny guy side) says yes. It would be great to have the availability of such a service whenever you need or want it. And yes, sometimes you need it.

Part of me (the guy thinking of the greater good side) is more conflicted. Would rape and other sex crimes decrease because of the greater availability of sex? Maybe. Would there be more underage or forced prostitution because of its legality? Possibly.

So, what’s my answer? I’d say if prostitution could be highly regulated to minimize harmful practices, then I’d be all for it.

4. On a scale of 1-10, how good of a lover do you think you are? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest)

I’d say I’m about an 8. I try to be selfless in bed and I’m always willing to try anything, including but not limited to new techniques, new positions, new accouterments, or new personnel. But there is always room for improvement, right?

5. What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them?

#1: Talk about themselves incessantly and without break. I don’t mind if she talks about herself. In fact I want her to do so, but being a good listener is also important to me.

#2: Don’t keep up their end of the conversation and force me to ask and prod for any kind of response. Sitting there like a lump on a log waiting for me to ask you questions and continue the conversation does not make any headway with me. I like to have a two-way conversation on my dates, not an interview.

#3: Refuse to go out to an ethnic or unusual restaurant…something out of your normal comfort zone. I like food and a wide variety of it. If someone is unwilling to explore different cuisines with me, I know they are not meant to be with me.

Bonus (as in optional): Tell us about your worst date ever.

It was a combination of #2 and #3…she expected me to carry the conversation the whole time and did not want to go anywhere that didn’t serve traditional American cuisine…despite living in a town that had an incredible variety of restaurants. One word came to mind for her: milquetoast.

HNT #1

2008-05-15T12:28:00.002-04:00

On the third anniversary of HNT, I thought I might get in the game. So without further ado...my dear wife in "Das Boot"...

The Doctor is in...

2008-05-13T16:31:00.003-04:00

For you House fans, last night's episode featured a very sexy striptease by one Dr. Lisa Cuddy...

This comes very shortly after being sited as one of the 6 Most Gratuitously Cleaveaged Women on TV by Cracked.com.

That is a good week by any standard!

Cocktails

2008-05-12T16:19:00.003-04:00

Your cocktail says something about you.

For instance, ordering a martini says you appreciate the finer things in life, ordering a gin and tonic says you appreciate the simple things in life, and ordering a boilermaker says you appreciate knowing where your pants are. But mixed drinks go deeper than that, much deeper. When you sidle up to the bar and place your order, you open a window onto your very soul, revealing not only who you are, but also who you long to be. So know your cocktails and order with care, or you might send the wrong message.

Bellini - You have a tab at Olive Garden.

Bloody Mary - You enjoy music, long walks on the beach, and the occasional stabbing spree.

Cosmopolitan - You didn’t start drinking until after your first divorce, and didn’t start really enjoying it until after your second.

Fuzzy Navel - You’re comfortable with who you are, but you’re the only one.

Gimlet - Something about your personality makes otherwise normal people use words like “bounder” and “cad.”

Green Tea Martini - You believe in sustainable living, except for that time you backed over a baby seal in your Passat.

Harvey Wallbanger - You, or someone a lot like you, will inspire Alcoholics Anonymous to abandon the twelve-step program in favor of indiscriminate Tasing.

Jägerbomb - High school was the best six years of your life.

Kentucky Colonel - Your music collection includes a CD of jug band favorites.

Lime Rickey - You have no real love for the drink itself, but for reasons known only to yourself, you enjoy the suffering of limes.

Long Island Iced Tea - No matter how old you are, at some level, you’re still afraid your parents are going to catch you drinking.

Mai Tai - You’re attracted to exotic people and places, but not enough to get a passport.

Manhattan - You’re witty, sophisticated, and not at all jealous that the oafs pounding down Jell-O shots at the other end of the bar are getting all the best trim.

Margarita - All of your relationships have either begun or ended at a wet t-shirt contest.

Mimosa - There’s a song in your heart and diet pills in your purse.

Mint Julep - You own your own dueling pistols and aren’t afraid to use them.

Old Fashioned - Every significant event in your life has taken place on either a porch or a patio.

Orgasm - You consider yourself too classy to order a Blow Job, but not classy enough to order a Sex on the Beach.

Piña Colada - You’re 50% lady, 50% tramp, and 50% wig.

Raging Bull - You’re indestructible, and you’re going to prove it as soon as this kick-ass song is over, just wait.

Sidecar - No one is accusing you of anything, but you’ve buried a suspiciously large number of husbands.

Singapore Sling - You learned to drink from your mother.

Tequila Slammer - You’re down-to-earth. Usually face-down.

Tom Collins - You aspire to a life of quiet dignity, but will settle for a life of quiet desperation.

Zombie - No matter what people say, you’re getting along just fine without long-term memory.

From Modern Drunkard Magazine

Ideas for work

2008-05-12T16:16:00.002-04:00

Gas Prices

2008-05-01T14:39:00.002-04:00

The new official sign of the oil industry.

Intentional Osmosis

2008-04-04T14:03:00.003-04:00

In my humble opinion, the new album from The Raconteurs, Consolers of the Lonely, kicks ass! For someone like me who has a very wide and eclectic taste in music, I really appreciate bands that are able to bring a different voice to their music from one track to the next. The band's first album Broken Boy Soldiers gave every indication of the talent potential they could produce...but with this album, they take it to the next level.

These guys have obviously done their history of rock homework...Track by track, the band calls forth sounds of the past to help create a comfortable base which they then add their own original and up-to-date ideas on top.

I pulled some comments from reviews of the new album that make references to their influences.

Consoler of the Lonely

Salute Your Solution – “ditch of Angus Young (AC/DC) riffage”

You Don’t Understand Me – “they pull a Lennon/McCartney” and “emulate such rock `n' roll grandpappies as Led Zeppelin” or “some sandpapery 1969 Led Zeppelin groove grafted on to a sophisticated, reserved Joe Jackson tune”

Old Enough – “a Bad Company influenced tune”

The Switch and the Spur – “the Ennio Morricone sendup with a Tenacious D ending”

Hold Up – “crashy pop wizardry of Grand Funk”

Top Yourself – “A Police beat with Zappa guitar riffs”

Many Shades of Black – “earnestly channels Stevie Wonder”

Five on Five – “the weird rock-jester insanity of Iggy Pop”

Attention – “garage-y protopunk of Question Mark & the Mysterians”

Pull This Blanket Off – “Exile-era Rolling Stones”

Rich Kid Blues – “fuses Jagger and Plant” and the Who or “is Emerson, Lake and Palmer all the way with its ferocious organ and rumbling guitars giving way to acoustic interludes”

These Stones Will Shout – “very Zeppelin-esque”

Carolina Drama – “quirky Dylan-esque” or “one can easily imagine Bob Seger belting this one out”

Great album...and worth every penny!

What I'm Worth...in bed

2008-04-02T10:37:00.002-04:00

Kind of sounds like something you would do with a Chinese fortune cookie...but here it is, my worth in bed:

Powered By Adult Shop

Wow...I should totally be a prostitute! Apparently the average is $224.14...so I guess I'm doing something right!

April Fools's

2008-04-01T11:48:00.003-04:00

I got my wife and several of my co-workers with this one this morning...

"I heard a report on NPR this morning that there will be a once-in-a-century alignment of Pluto and Venus which will cause gravity on earth to be about 20% less for about five minutes starting at 10:57 AM this morning. The report mentioned that you would be able to test the phenomenon by jumping up and down at that time and experience a dramatic feeling of weightlessness. You should try it out and see if it works!"

Cheat Sheet for Politicians

2008-03-24T09:14:00.001-04:00

The Danger of Parallel Fifths

2008-03-21T11:20:00.004-04:00

I recently found this hilariously named group on Facebook and thought it would be appropriate for today. Well, it is hilarious if you ever had to study counterpoint in music school. I took it my senior year in college and let's just say, it was not one of my more successful classes grade-wise.

FACEBOOK GROUP NAME: Every time you write parallel fifths, Bach kills a kitten

DESCRIPTION: Be careful when part writing... make a mistake, and Johann Sebastian himself will go out into the world and slice a defenseless kitten in two with his musical might.

Spread the word and be careful if you value kittens...or counterpoint in the style of Palestrina or Fux.

Happy Birthday Papa Bach! We all must genuflect to the "Father of Music" who was born on this celebrated day in 1685.

Top Chef Drinking Game

2008-03-13T12:34:00.006-04:00

I was just looking over the Top Chef blogs while eating lunch. Former contestant and now consultant Lee Anne Wong mentions a Top Chef Drinking Game, but does not explain the rules. What a tease.

Thank God for the Internets…I found this over on Mange Mes Briefs.

The Top Chef Drinking Game

The Premise: There are two teams, although more are likely. One team are the Judges, i.e. Tom Collichio, Gale Simmons, Ted Allen and whomever the guest judge is. I am also grouping the host, Padma Lakshmi, in with this since although she’s not a judge, nor qualified to be one, she nonetheless offers up plenty of fodder for the game.

The second team are the contestants. These are the actual “chefs” in the competition. The season starts out with 15 contestants and week by week they are whittled away until the final chef remains.

The Rules: Here is where we start the game. Any alcoholic beverage could be used but for the sake of simplicity we will consider one drink to be one ounce of spirits, i.e. vodka, tequila, gin, etc… Everybody picked their sides? Okay, let’s go.

The Game:

For the Judges, take one drink …

Whenever the host, Padme, says anything that she is totally unqualified to talk about. This usually ends up being anything that comes out of her mouth so be careful here. You might want to leave this one out of the game or you could end up passing out before the first commercial break.

Whenever head judge Tom Colicchio makes a remark along the lines of “This is Top Chef not Top (whatever)”.

Whenever the guest judge happens to be a chef who’s probably not very well known outside of his cooking region. Take two drinks if he thinks he’s famous now that he’s a guest judge on Top Chef and feels the need to act like a dick.

Whenever judge Gale Simmons mentions Food and Wine magazine, her real employer.

Whenever the guest judge is Anthony Bourdain. Take one additional drink for every pithy comment he says that the other judges are merely thinking.

Whenever head judge Tom Colicchio remarks about how he only cares about the food and not about whatever drama happens to be ensuing.

Whenever any judge asks a contestant what their inspiration was for the dish they’ve prepared.

Additional rule per the comment below...Whenever Tom says "You played it safe" or "You seem to be content in the middle."

For the Contestants, take one drink …

Whenever a contestant says something along the lines of “I don’t care if others don’t like me because I’m here to compete, not make friends”.

Whenever a contestant says they should have no problem with a particular challenge because it’s in their area of expertise. Two drinks if they fail the challenge.

Whenever a contestant attributes their poor performance to being so far away from family and friends. Two drinks when the show is filmed near their home (i.e. filmed in LA and they happen to live in Santa Monica.)

Whenever a contestant expresses concern that they’ve never had experience with an ingredient or appliance that anyone who’s worked in a restaurant should know how to use… like a charcoal grill.

Whenever a contestant makes a “trio” of something. Two drinks if it’s a “duo” or “quartet”.

Whenever a contestant gets excessive with the adjectives in describing their dish. Two drinks if the adjectives sound like they came from a mid 1950’s copy of RedBook, such as “succulent”.

Whenever a contestant accuses another of stealing their ideas, style, ingredient, etc…

Whenever a contestant completely misses the entire point of the challenge. This includes, but is not limited to, the following: Serving poached lobster as your dish in a grilling challenge, creating an amuse for an entree challenge or using the featured ingredient as a garnish at best.

Whenever any plate garnish is purely decorative and inedible.

An addition of my own...Whenever a contestant utters the catch phrase of the season (i.e. "it is what it is" or "throw under the bus.")

Another addition from the comments section: The losing cheftestant saying "it was an honor to cook for you" to the judges.

For both Contestants and Judges take one drink …

Whenever the product placement reaches obscene levels. Just like including Padme in the hosts, this might be dangerous… Apply at your own risk.

Whenever all contestants express complete shock at finding out what a particular challenge will be. Two drinks if it’s completely unwarranted; “This challenge is cooking shrimp?! No!! I’ve never done that before!”

These are just the most obvious. I’m sure there will be more and we will all thank Bravo for keeping us inebriated.

For those who aren't into drinking but still want to enhance their Top Chef viewing experience, one can always try the Top Chef Fantasy Game as seen on Fararazzi.com.

I can't help it

2008-03-13T09:28:00.002-04:00

I really can't help it...I have to post this one.

Ethan - "I'm just going to pull my hat down and get a little nap in...don't mind me."

The "O" Simulator

2008-03-11T15:00:00.003-04:00

This is an amusing look at gender differences when experiencing the big "O"...
On-line Orgasmic Simulation

This is safe for work.

Movie meme

2008-03-10T16:21:00.004-04:00

Here are the rules:
1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDB and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. GUESSERS: NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.
5. One movie guess per blogger.
6. Put your guesses in the comments.

And now for the quotes...and I tried to pick more obscure quotes as these are pretty well known movies...

1. For three years we had her under contract - singing lessons, dancing lessons, acting lessons. I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars. I was gonna make her a big star. And let me be even more frank, just to show you that I'm not a hard-hearted man, and that it's not all dollars and cents: She was beautiful; she was innocent. She was the greatest piece of ass I've ever had, and I've had it all over the world. (Margo guessed correctly - The Godfather)

2. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.

3. I like the relationships. I mean, each character has his own story. The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to over look things like that in these kinds of paintings. The way he's *holding* her... it's almost... filthy. I mean, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her... Phew... Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really... pretty torrid, don't you think? Then of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind the doorway like they're all shocked. They wish. Yeah, I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect.

4. It didn't make sense that I'd be there. I mean, these guys were hard-core hijackers, but there I was. I wasn't scared, I knew I hadn't done anything they could do me for. Besides, it was fun. I got to make like I was notorious.

5. A guy works all day, he don't want to look at his plate and ask, "What the fuck is this?" He wants to look at his plate, see a steak, and say "I like steak!"

6. I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away.

7. So I was in the Gulf last year, I was doing this thing anyway. And I came up over this dune, and I saw the ocean... and it was on fire. The whole thing, on fire, and it was beautiful. So I just sat there and watched it, and that's when I realized there might be a meaning to life, you know, like an organic power that connects all living things, God, Yahweh, I dunno.

8. Curiously the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias, as it fell, was, 'Oh no, not again.' Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly *why* the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.

9. You know, you can't just go around and shoot people in the kneecaps with a double-barreled shotgun 'cause you pissed at 'em.

10. For as long as I can remember, I've been searching for something, some reason why we're here. What are we doing here? Who are we? If this is a chance to find out even just a little part of that answer... I don't know, I think it's worth a human life. Don't you?

Look Out...I'm Back

2008-02-27T15:07:00.006-05:00

Anyone miss me? Well I'm back and I thought I start by sharing some motivational posters that I found very humorous...for the full list (not just my favorites) from this collection go to jubed.

Updates

2007-10-26T12:07:00.000-04:00

Updates...
1. I am still looking for a new job.
2. Ethan is now 3 months old and doing great.

Yeah, that's about all that is consuming my life right now. I need to get out more.

Another brilliant idea from Apple

2007-10-26T12:05:00.001-04:00

New Symbol

2007-09-13T15:17:00.000-04:00

Baby Biscuit

2007-08-13T15:15:00.000-04:00

Here he is...Ethan Oskar (a.k.a. Biscuit, Jr.)

Born on August 9, 2007 6:29 p.m.

8 pounds 2 ounces

21 1/4 inches

Major Distractions

2007-08-06T11:44:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posts recently...I've been slightly distracted.

Top 3 Distractions that prevent me from blogging:
1. My wife is expecting our first child. The baby was due on August 4th...so we're still waiting. Anytime now kiddo. We're ready for you.
2. I got laid off from my job. Talk about bad timing. However, I really see it as a blessing in disguise. Being at home right now will be great once the baby arrives.
3. I've been taking interviews for a new job all over the place, including back in my home town of Indianapolis and my alma mater Indiana University in Bloomington, IN. Today - the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame here in Cleveland.

So that about sums up the last couple of weeks. Needing some good vibes over here. Got any?

Mm, mm, mm MY PATRONUS

2007-07-17T16:49:00.000-04:00

What is my Patronus?

The DRAGON, the dragon is a wise being that is symbolic of power, and uses any means to achieve it. It covets material wealth and is know for its ambition. It is powerful, yet a hard patronus to control. You may find it most useful in fighting off large amounts of dementors at a given time. With out a doubt it is one of the strongest patronuses.

Battle of the Mascots

2007-07-13T14:52:00.000-04:00

Booze Mascot Tournament

In the Four Legged Creature Division
The Schlitz Bull vs. the Hamm Bear vs. the Jägermeister Deer

Commentary:
The Bull - Historically, all the way back to those bull-worshipping Minoans, nothing suggests virility and machismo more than a bull with a bad attitude.
The Bear - Though his name was never revealed, around the brewery he was called Sascha, after the brewery founder’s wife. Which must have thrilled her no end — what woman wouldn’t want to be the namesake of an obese male bear?
The Deer - There is something unsettling about the level gaze of the Jägermeister deer. While most animal icons demurely look askance, this beast stares you directly in the eye.

In the Winged Creatures Division
The Bicardi Bat vs. the Wild Turkey uh..Turkey vs. the Guinness Toucan

Commentary:
The Bat - The bat, considered a noble and lucky creature by the local Cubans, seemed to be a smart symbol to attach to the rum. An alternative story, strenuously denied by Bacardi, is that the bat got the nod because every morning distillery workers had to fish the lucky, noble, and thoroughly intoxicated creatures out of the rum vats.
The Turkey - Nothing enthralls a bourbon drinker more than knowing the aged corn liquor he holds in his hand was conspired by a bewhiskered 19th-century hillbilly and his buddies at their annual turkey shoot.
The Toucan - The Toucan showed some serious moxy early on by muscling aside its rival - a foul-mouthed pelican to become Guinness's go to bird. "Guinness for strength" indeed.

In the Human Division
Johnny Walker Striding Man vs. Captain Morgan vs. Miller High Life's Girl in the Moon

Commentary:
Walking Man - Aside from dominating the world-wide Scotch market, Johnnie Walker is Superman’s choice of liquor. That notwithstanding, his pompous top hat, walking stick, breeches and riding boots make it really hard to believe he could take on anyone in a fight.
The Captain - Named after a Welsh privateer who won English knighthood and historical renown for his daring and quite bloodthirsty attacks on Spanish colonies and shipping, the Captain was also a notorious drunkard. While pirating he drank rum by the gallon and was a dedicated habitue of the rough-and-tumble taverns of whatever port he might find himself in.
The Girl in the Moon - Generations of High Lifers know her well, and they should: she’s been giving them the eye from the neck of The Champagne of Beers for a century. Mysterious, other-worldly and radiating gentility, the lunar lady is the very personification of understated class, which is perfect for a lager comparing itself to champagne.

Judging: You be the judge. Which one emerges from the three divisions?